Friday, March 5, 2010

Warning - Nice weekend

After a winter of snow, more snow, ice, and even more snow along with the snowmelt, sand, salt, and tree limbs poking out onto the roadways for weeks after, this weekend is looking tip top. This weekend, with temperatures reaching 50 plus degrees is going to be damn nice. We bet half of you are getting erect just thinking about getting that base layer of sun on those tan lines of yours. Sickos.

Before you get those legs all oiled up, we wanted everybody to be prepared. There will be yellow jacketed, Trek Madone riding, saddle bag the size of Texas using Freds littering the roads of the Mid Atlantic with their rudimentary bike handling skills. Some of them might be even be on reecumbulators. Some might have steel 'classic' bikes with downtube shifters and chain guards. It's hard to really pinpoint any particular style since these individuals rarely carry any. Warning: stay clear of all these individuals. If you get close, they will infect you with thoughts of triple chain rings, bento boxes, and excessive gel and energy drink consumption. One major concern is that many will attempt to race you when you pass them. Be careful and follow these guidelines.

Move past at a quick pace and several feet away. This usually avoids any threat of connection. However, they will mumble something under their breath inaudible to you. Don't feel threatened by this. If they do end up latching on, don't accelerate. Go your normal speed. Pop wheelies. Act retarded. Start scratching yourself like you are infected with an STD. Then ask them if they want to hug. Generally act like a crazy homeless person. Whatever you do, do not talk about racing, training, being fast, or anything associated with bikes or roadbikereview.com.

It's also the perfect weekend for many fair weather bike racer types who systematically 'race into shape' avoiding potholes or the threat of precipitation at all costs, namely the threat of getting the bike dirty or their body temperature below 98.6. They will decide that it's March and it's finally time to start training, or at least do a group ride. These people might be more infectious than the FREDS. They will join group rides. Most will get dropped. They will later talk about that they were out to go ride long anyway. Many on a blog. You can notice these individuals by multiple layers of clothing since they are not used to temps below 60 degrees, maybe a little extra pudge around the belly and backside, lack of leg definition, and most importantly, a super expensive and very clean bike. There is a good chance they have a power meter as well. Power tap most likely.

These individuals will be excited and ready to talk. Be careful. You might be chatting it up with them, talking about beer or the horrible winter while the pace picks up and you get dropped! They might talk about the fun things they do other than cycling. Don't get infected by these fair weather riders. Be attentive. Ride at the front. There will be plenty time to catch up with these individuals in the parking lots after the races and you are collecting your prize money while they are talking about excuses and how they missed moves.

On second thought, avoid these people all together, unless they own a bike shop or sponsor a team.

2 comments:

Tim Rugg said...

Bento Boxes are awesome.

sc said...
This comment has been removed by the author.