Friday, March 12, 2010

Douche of the Week - Tony Kornheiser

Today is a no drop zone. Let's get real for a moment. Everybody take a knee.

When I was a young man, I found a $20.00 bill on the floor of a skating rink while I was at a birthday party. For some reason that I still don't understand, I took the twenty dollar bill to the birthday boy's father and let him know what I had just found. I still remember his words "I'll hang on to it until we find the owner." Well, we never found the owner and I never got my twenty bucks back even when I asked him for it on the drive home. This impacted me quite a bit so I vowed that I would publicly out him at school the following Monday to his son in front of all our friends. Sadly, the kid was a lot more popular than me and, on the heals of a birthday throwdown, all the other children rebelled against me. I packed a lot of life lessons by attending that birthday party and getting scammed by a 40 year old. First, finders keepers. Secondly, don't roller skate with thigh high OP corduroy shorts. Third, I learned what a douchebag was.

Mr. McCarthy was probably the first person I identified as a douchebag at the tender age of 10 or 11.

Fast forward X years and we have Tony Kornheiser, a certified loser who somehow got on Monday Night Football and then proceeded to ruin my Monday nights for an entire season. Not only was that bad enough, he now has his own radio show. Yesterday, he promoted running over cyclists with his vehicle. Classy guy. Here is the transcript courtesy of The Wash Cycle. Send hate mail here or call 301-230-3500.

Kevin: Reading: "The center of Pennsylvania Avenue from the White House to the Capitol soon may be reserved for just two things: the president's inauguration and people riding bicycles. A pair of bike lanes are destined to grace the middle of one of the country's most fabled boulevards, an avenue that ranks as a destination with Broadway, Fifth Avenue, Hollywood Boulevard and Bourbon Street. The two lanes will be part of an expanding network of dedicated bicycle lanes in the District, soon to include L, I and Ninth streets NW and more of 15th Street NW. "
Tony Kornheiser: When I read about this early this morning, and I just assumed this would be one of those dedicated bike lanes...
Kevin: To the right
Other Dude: Like you get at the beach, just a little strip
TK: ...on the right hand side, where bicycles are free to go - maybe two by two, but mostly one by one.
Kevin: And they never use them
TK: And I'm fine with those. Then I heard on Channel 4 that these things were going to remove an entire lane of automobiles, which last time I looked the roads were made for automobiles, and that they were going to somehow be in the middle and not on the sides and we were somehow going to be dominated, as if this was Beijing, by hundreds of thousands of bicyclists. And I don't really care what they do on Pennsylvania Avenue, if they can't ride a car on that anyway, but how are they going to get the bikes down there? They're going to have to go through other streets. I think this is a terrible, terrible idea. I don't mind those one lanes, but you get in Rock Creek Park and 3 or 4 of these people start riding abreast, and I swear to you it's all you can do to not RUN THEM DOWN, like Wile Coyote's, run them over. Just stay on the right. Stay on the right. I'm happy to share the road with you, but by share the road what I mean is you have room on the right and I have room on the road. Get the hell out of my way. Am I wrong on this?
Woman: Here's the problem I have. I'll give you bike lanes if we open up Pennsylvania Avenue on one side of the White House and the other street behind...You add this and it's going to make it even worse worse.
OD: These chesty cyclists, I mean they take that right lane and they're already moving over to the middle.
TK: And they all wear...my God...with the little water bottle in the back and their stupid hats and their shiny shorts, they are the same disgusting poseurs that come out in the middle of a snow storm with cross country skiing on your block. Run them down. I mean, let them use the right I'm OK with that.
OD: Or they can ride on the top of the curb
TK: I don't take my car and ride on the sidewalk becaue I understand that's not for my car. Why do these people think that these roads were built for bicycles?
Kevin: Because they're crunchy granola, they just want us to live in a cleaner world.
TK: I know someone's going to hate me for this, am I wrong?
Woman: I'm all for people truly sharing the road. I'm all for people getting their exercise.
Kevin: They don't share it now.
TK: They don't share the road. They dominate the road. They dare you to run them down.
Kevin: Yes they do.
TK: And then when you do, they get angry. What is that about?
Kevin: If you honk, they slow down...in front of you
TK: And so you tap them. I'm not saying you kill them. I'm saying you tap them. Tap them once.
Kevin: Just a spill, not a fatal spill, but a little spill.
TK: If you're not rubbing, you're not racing right? So you pop them a little bit and see what happens.
Kevin: They're so annoying. This is a Fenty move. He's a big cyclist.
Woman: With his security detail of course.
TK: But again, why can't they just.. what's wrong with the little lane on the right. I don't drive in the little lane on the right.
Woman: Here's the argument they would make - because the little lane on the right is often covered up by cars that are parked at the wrong time of day and buses that have pulled into the path...
OD: Tell them to take Metro
TK: Really? Then they can veer out a little bit. My objection to them is when the ride in the middle of the road. They give you the finger. They do all the time. They think they own it. Because they think that you think that you own it. I don't think I own it. I own it. I have a car. I have a large powerful car compared to your stupid little bicycle.
OD: It seems a little discriminatory to me. What about unicyclists? Why can't they have a lane
TK. They can have the same lane on the right. Anything with less than four wheels, or three wheels...
Kevin: ...can use the right lane, if there is one. If there isn't one, take the Metro.
(Group makes fun of segways)
TK: so the whole city is going to be just for bicycles? I tell you, it's Beijing. It's going to be buses and bicycles. That's all there's going to be.
Kevin: There are plenty of paths. The Capitol Crescent Trail gets you to Georgetown and then you can take the Metro from there. Get on a bus.
TK: Yes. What is their problem?

(Group makes fun of leg shaving)

So yeah. Just full of a lot of ignorance, windshield perspective and anti-cyclist comments. I don't see a point in refuting them one by one. They're just so ridiculous.

Update: From the second hour at 32:03

Kevin: OK get this Tony, we talked last hour about the expansion of bike lanes in the District, apparently a right hand bike lane isn't enough for these people.
TK: It's such a plague
Kevin: We've got to move them to the middle of the street.
TK: Why are they in the middle of the street?
Kevin: Well, who knows...
TK: I want to be in the middle of the street. I'm driving a car.
OD: It seems to increase the likelihood that they'll be struck
Kevin: Google doing more for these people, they've come out with their latest product Google Maps for Bikers.
TK: yeah I know.
Kevin: So now you can google map your...
OD: Not bikers. Cyclists.
Kevin: Cyclists.
OD: Bikers ride motorcycles.
Kevin: The Oregonian, which is the newspaper of note in Crunchville, USA - Portland, Oregon. The Oregonian panned the new Google maps for cyclists, saying it was "incomplete and inadequate". Meanwhile a couple of cyclist stories that have broken in the last few hours that are reflective of this category of people. In Brunswick Maine, two men on bikes tried to rob a pregnant woman. In Windsor, Ontario, two men on bikes assaulted a male driver through the window of his car after a road dispute. We've all been there before.
TK: They do that all the time. They go right up to your car and they start banging on your car, trying to make you feel guilty for owning a car and somehow the law does not allow you to run them down.
Kevin: In St. Louis, a woman on a bike riding in rush hour traffic blew a tire, tumbled into the middle of the road in front of oncoming traffic, she was run over by a taxi. She survived, but the taxi driver had to be rushed to the hospital with an injured neck. Meantime, Neal from Rockville wrote in to say that he recommends that you buy a Toyota, as it provides you with a built in defense if you accidentally strike a bicyclist while driving to work.


Discuss

6 comments:

Pete said...

I would like to know where the chesty cyclists are at. Boobs make everything better.

Mike. said...

I'd like to tap him w/ a 2 ton piece of metal and see how he likes it.

long5686 said...

It just scares me. I don't really want to be the guy that gets tapped, and it scares me a little bit that people out there are willing to actually do this stuff.

Chuck Wagon said...

Yes TK & Co win a very substantial douche prize for this, as do many other media figures who play the same schtick. Of course their audience is all people in cars, so they're playing to the audience in a very ham-fisted way. Of course you comb your hair over the way TK does and you're liable to do anything.

I am totally against "one side" bike paths like on Macarthur. That thing is the most dangerous thing in the world, people making lefts from the outbound side don't look for cyclists and people on the inbound lane cut corners close and nearly hit you head on. A lane on each side I'll gladly use but the thing on Macarthur no way am I using that thing outbound.

The last bit is that we share the blame because we act like dicks. Drivers don't know the rules and we flaunt or ignore them. The number of times you'll hear "and we wonder why they hate us" on a group ride after someone does something stupid is way too high. The guy who was in the mixed bag of clothes from most MABRA teams of the last decade (KBS vest) on Saturday's 10am deserves a special shoutout here - cut the shit, you're going to get someone killed.

Ti( * )( * )ies said...

TK sounds like he has a classic case of thimble cocked, bike envy. I bet he wife wash getting smashed on the regular by a cyclist and now he is all booty hurt and wants payback. Chin up TK, she was a gold digging ho anyway.

Jim said...

Dude. You only just discovered that Tony Kornheiser is a cyclist-hating irritating douchebag? What, did sports talk radio drop you a ways back?

Just kidding. I couldn't stand the whiny bastard before I found out about his constant 'kill a cyclist' jokes. If there's any fairness in the universe, he'll be told to take a seat at the pearly gates because St. Peter is busy getting in 10x VO2 intervals, but don't worry Mr. Kornheiser, you're on the list. That, or he'll be sentenced to listen to Tony Rome.